Archive for the ‘journey to spirit’ Category

I haven’t written here in over a year, and yesterday I saw this quote and immediately understood it was the reason I have been stuck. I tend to be too much in my head and over-analyze almost anything.  It won’t be easy, though, because I have to re-learn how to listen to my heart.  I made some bad decisions in my life, so I began not to trust my heart.
Another insight I have had lately is that faith is a journey, not a destination. It is ongoing and seems to change with the current frame of mind. I still envy my friends with unshakeable faith, but I also see that faith leads to a blindness to the excesses and transgressions of the church. I won’t say any more about that because it’s not my role to judge.


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I have always loved that line from “One of These Nights” by the Eagles.  I think that’s where I’ve been these past few months.  I once Googled it (or maybe it was “Shadows and Light”) and got some porn site, but even that isn’t as yucky as getting another one when I Googled “Disney Girls” as in the Beach Boys song.

The Winter Solstice and Season of Light of the various holidays draw us once more to the Light.  As you probably know, 2012 is supposed to be a tumultuous year.  My most trusted sources say the end of the Mayan calendar in December will not be the end of the Earth as others are saying.  Personally, I do feel it will be a powerful and life-changing year, but that is only based on my instincts.

My word for the year is Clarity, and I also have a vision of  “Embracing the Seasons” instead of reacting to them or ignoring them.  I have found two resources for this journey:  “The Sacred Journey Daily Journal for Your Soul 2012” and the “We’Moon 2012 Gaia Rhythms for Women” weekly calendars.  I’m not posting links because I’m not in any way affiliated with them, and I haven’t really used them yet.  You can Google them if your’re interested.  The first doesn’t have any photographs but has a lot of room for journaling and reflection.  The second does not have a lot of room for writing but is full of beautiful art and poetry.  Both relate to the earth and seasons.

With all of the bizarre weather of the last year, I feel that connecting to and healing the Earth is one of my top priorities.

Blessings for a peaceful, happy, and Earth-friendly New Year.

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My roommate used to play a song called “Going In Circles” all the time.  The day she broke up with her boyfriend she called her ex-boyfriend.  Whenever I feel in the pattern of being stuck, I think of her and that song.  Or of the Springstein song that says, “One step forward, two steps back.”

It seems whenever I have made some progress in my spiritual or soul journey, something happens that triggers the old doubts and fears, and I feel like I’ve gone backward.  I don’t even know what the trigger was, but I’ve felt this way for a while now.  I think I know part of what’s blocking me, but I’m unsure what to do about it.

This morning it was good to see the trees in the park are starting to show a bit of green.  I saw a tiny hummingbird, a symbol of joy.  I’m hoping that the promise of rebirth in spring will spark a shift in my attitude.  I’ve been calling myself “Grumpy Grulla”, the name of an old lead mare that was captured in the Pryor Mountains Wild Horse Area.

“Expect to have hope rekindled.  Expect your prayers to be answered in wonderous ways.  The dry seasons in life do not last.  The spring rains will come again.”  Sarah Ban Breathnach
Except we’ll be waiting until July for our rains.  A long, dry, dusty wait.

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The Promise

 One of the reasons I started my spiritual journey was because I have seen that people with faith handle adversity better. 

I have the second bad cold of the season.  I don’t even usually get colds.  And last time, like every time I’ve been sick, I made a promise to myself to take better care of myself.  I bought a bunch of fruit and vegetable juices and swore I would develop better health habits.  Obviously, that did not happen.

My mother used to tell me I should be a nurse, because I could always find a job.  She was right, but she forgot I had a traumatic experience in a hospital when I was 5 years old (plus I’m squeamish at the sight of blood).  I had my appendix taken out after having great pain.  The naval hospital was about 2 hours away from the small Nike Army base where we lived, so they couldn’t visit me every day.  My sisters weren’t allowed to come to my room, so I had to wave at them behind a barrier.  One day a nurse was trying to untangle my hair in the playroom.  She said I looked like a witch, which really upset me.

I have had more operations and several trips to the ER which have made me want to avoid hospitals.  Both my parents died of complications in the hospital, not from the condition they were brought there for.

So I tend to baby myself when I am sick.  You would think it would make me more committed to taking care of myself.  But I get lazy.

This time I am going to try harder, and I will report my progress back here.  I have been studying Buddhist meditation practices to reduce anxiety and stress so I can sleep better.

Here is an interesting article I read today on whether prayer can heal by a doctor.

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“Ask of the beasts and they will teach you the beauty of this earth.” ~St. Francis of Assisi

This morning on our weekly walk we saw a little girl and her mother we have seen at least twice before.  They remembered us, too.  The little girl told her mother she loved puppies and kittens, too.  Then she said she loved animals.  She told her mother there was a show on Nickleodean that showed all the dogs and cats who didn’t have homes.

Her mother told her some people couldn’t have dogs or cats because they lived in an apartment or couldn’t afford them.  I wondered if that was true in their case, which made me sad.  But it was good to hear children’s programming isn’t all noise and flash.

Although I usually prefer solitude on our walks, Cubbie is the opposite.  He has taught me to be more open to people because he loves everyone, especially children.

 A few weeks ago an elderly couple came walking toward us, and the man’s eyes lit up when he saw Cubbie.  He came over to pet him.  His wife, who walked with a cane, was reluctant but petted him also.  Cubbie was so gentle, as if he sensed he needed to be.

I  also think he was brought into my life to teach me patience (I wasn’t looking for another dog at the time).  That is something I have been trying to learn my whole life.  Nature is a great teacher of patience, too.

“But ask the animals, and they will teach you; the birds of the air, and they will tell you; ask the plants of the earth, and they will teach you; and the fish of the sea will declare to you.”  Job 12:7-8

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This weekend I took part in Jennifer Louden’s virtual retreat.  I did only two of the live calls, however, because on Saturday I didn’t feel well plus there were toll charges.  They had the recordings up in about an hour afterward though, so they were immediately available at no phone charges.  I think if I had listened to every one my brain would have been overloaded.  I just can’t process as much information as I used to.

I was feeling anxious on Saturday about the way I was feeling because I have gone to the ER more than once with similar symptoms.  I found the only thing that really relaxed me was listening to a recording of ocean waves.  I  later realized that hugging and petting Cubbie would have probably have done it, too.

I treated myself to some lovely flowers and added my candles called “hope, dream, and love”.  Next time I will add my story beads “clarity and balance”.  I plan to retreat for at least a day once a month, and adding some home spa treatments.  I also sat outside for the first time in months which I really enjoyed.  I noticed my parsley and oregano are coming back despite the cold nights because of the unusual amount of rain we’ve had.  Ahhhh, life is good.

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I’m writing this blog to explore the different paths I’m taking to become my authentic self, who I am calling Sings to Horses.  The name came about almost by accident, because every other user name I tried was already being used.  I started to like it, because music and horses are two things I thought of when I thought about what was missing from my life.

This picture was taken on one of the last walks in Garden Canyon with my father as I knew and loved him. We came around the bend of the road, and he said, “You should take a picture.”  I took a few, and this ray of light came out on one of the pictures.  I’m so glad I took the pictures.

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